


say anything

by piginawig



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Adult Losers Club (IT), Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Fix-It, Fluff, Just Another Chapter 2 Fix It Fic, M/M, it's about the yearning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:28:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26817376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piginawig/pseuds/piginawig
Summary: There were so many things he wanted to say to Richie, all the time, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t put himself out there, couldn’t risk ruining this friendship.But it was getting harder and harder with every day that passed to keep his mouth shut.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 8
Kudos: 171
Collections: It fandom prompts Fall 2020 Gift Exchange





	say anything

**Author's Note:**

> This is a gift for @lexiraq on tumblr for the ItFandomPrompts gift exchange

Eddie, to put it lightly, was nervous. His foot wouldn’t stop bouncing, surely annoying the woman sitting next to him, he couldn’t focus on the solitaire game he was trying to play on his phone, and his brain wouldn’t shut up. Logically, he knew the worst parts were over. Leaving his wife, coming out to his friends, hiring someone to take his place while he began building up the brand in LA.

But he had yet to see Richie.

The last time he’d seen Richie had been in Derry. Eddie could still feel the ghost of their hug in the airport, the way he’d felt safe and loved for the first time since he was a teenager with Richie's arms holding him tightly, securely. It was the moment he realized he needed to leave his wife, and he needed to make changes, because even if he never ended up being with Richie he couldn’t keep lying to himself about how he felt for the man.

Once he'd returned to New York and Richie to LA, they talked all the time. Mostly by texts and calls, and Richie would send the occasional meme through Twitter, and every week the Losers had a seven-way video call where Eddie would spend the whole time staring at Richie’s stupid attractive face and laughing at every ridiculous thing he said. But it wasn’t the same as seeing him in the flesh, being able to touch him, being able to look him in the eye.

And it was coming so soon. There was less than an hour of the flight left and then he’d go into the airport and go to baggage claim and get his bags and then he’d step outside and there he’d be, waiting with his stupid midlife crisis sports car to give Eddie another life-altering hug.

Eddie wasn’t sure he was ready for it.

* * *

The moment he spotted Richie felt important. Like this was the first step into his new life, stepping into the arms of the man he loved, and starting a new chapter.

If only Richie knew that.

Richie’s arms wrapped around him. He breathed in deeply, inhaling Richie's scent (it was clear he had showered recently, if the smell of Old Spice and only the faintest hint of cigarettes was anything to go by) and let it out slowly. A sense of warmth washed over him and settled deeply in his bones. He wasn’t sure anything in the world was ever going to feel as good as a hug from Richie.

“Eds!” Richie said, pulling away and not realizing the minor devastation Eddie was experiencing at ending the hug. He wore a bright smile, his blue eyes shining behind his thick-rimmed glasses.

“Don’t call me that,” Eddie said with a smile, helping Richie put his suitcases into the trunk of the car. “Thanks again for picking me up, you didn’t have to do that.”

“Of course I did! Didn’t want my best friend to have to suffer an Uber just to see lil ol’ me.”

Eddie rolled his eyes but couldn’t stop grinning. “Yeah, well. I appreciate it.”

He got into the car and buckled in, unable to help himself from glancing over at Richie. Richie noticed, the corners of his mouth upturned. “You good?”

Eddie nodded, looking away.

“Best I’ve been in a while, actually,” Eddie said without thinking, then internally winced.  _ Too much, Kaspbrak, scale it down a little _ .

“I’m glad, then,” Richie said, putting the car into drive. Eddie sighed happily and let his head fall back against the seat. He watched the beautiful scenery through the window, his excitement growing the more he started catching glimpses of coastline.

“It’s so nice here,” he said, almost to himself. New York had been home for a long time, but never would Eddie have considered it  _ nice _ . Maybe at Christmastime, if you could get past the hordes of people surrounding you every second you were outside. No, New York City had been fine. Doable. Practical, even, for his job. But this was practical, too. Just as practical, really. There was no shortage of rich stars in need of a car service in Los Angeles.

“Just wait’ll ya see the house,” Richie said with a hint of accent, a new Voice Eddie wasn't familiar with, and took a sharp turn into a gated neighborhood. He pressed a code into a keypad and the gate slowly slid open.

“Fancy,” he commented, trying to hide how impressed he was.

“Yeah, yeah,” Richie waved him off. “I’m sure it’s got nothing on your NYC penthouse or whatever.”

Eddie choked on a laugh. “Penthouse? I lived in a house on Long Island, Rich.”

“Probably still fancy. I know you like your brand names, Eds, I've seen your Prada shoes,” Richie said without missing a beat. Eddie thought about correcting him (his shoes were Gucci, thank you, not Prada) but let it slide. Eddie knew he had a propensity toward nice things; it had stemmed from growing up with a mother who had the mindset that the more expensive something was, the better it would be. He hated thinking about it, how he'd inherited that need for brand names and the lavish, if only to impress a woman who'd been dead for ten years.

After passing a few blocks Richie finally turned and drove past three houses that Eddie would easily consider mansions his mother would love before pulling into a long, winding driveway that had its own gate with a keypad.

“Certainly didn’t have to go through two gates to get to my front door,” Eddie observed with a grin, then laughed a little when Richie blushed.

“Whatever,” Richie muttered good-naturedly, unlocking the gate and pulling up close to the house. It was large, though Eddie thought it wasn’t quite as large as the neighboring mansions. He kind of liked that about it. “The real view’s from the back,” Richie told him, getting out of the car and popping the trunk. They both grabbed Eddie’s suitcases and headed toward the front door.

“What’s in the back?”

“Patience, Eds,” Richie said, unlocking the front door and leading him inside. Eddie toed his shoes off immediately, gently kicking them so they were tidily pressed against the wall. To his surprise, Richie did the same. His heart stuttered for a moment at the way their shoes looked like that, homey and comfortable next to each other. “The grand reveal is this way. Leave the luggage in here.”

Eddie nodded and followed Richie through what seemed to be a rarely used den that led into a nice and cozy living room connected to a large kitchen. But Eddie wasn’t looking at the couch or the kitchen table or the appliances; his eyes were drawn to the glass wall that lined the back of Richie’s house.

“Holy shit,” he breathed, stepping closer.

“Do you wanna go outside on the deck? It looks even better out there.”

Eddie tore his eyes from the shoreline to look at Richie who seemed proud, if not a little embarrassed by the showiness. His shoulders were tucked in but his face was open, like he knew Eddie was going to love it and was excited to be the one to show it to him.

“Let’s definitely go outside,” Eddie agreed, then followed Richie who reached for a handle on the wall he hadn’t even noticed. The glass door slid soundlessly open and they stepped onto the wooden deck. Just below the deck was a rectangular pool with a jacuzzi on the right side, surrounded by comfortable looking outdoor furniture, all of it facing the beach. A short picket fence separated the edge of Richie’s backyard from the white sand of the beach. And beyond that, Eddie could see a few chairs around a table covered with a large umbrella, and two lounge chairs even farther down, only ten or so feet from the water. Eddie was mesmerized, watching the crystal-clear water lap the shoreline and slide back into the ocean waves.

He became aware, for the first time in his life, that he’d never really seen a beach. Not a nice one like this. Not one where he would like to put his bare feet in the water, let the water splash at his ankles while his toes dug into the wet sand beneath him.

“So?”

Richie’s voice was soft, and something in his tone brought butterflies to Eddie’s stomach. He sounded so sincere, like he wanted nothing more than to impress Eddie with this thing he’d shown him. It made Eddie feel wanted in a way he couldn’t explain. Richie wanted him to like this. And he did.

“This is amazing,” Eddie said finally, tearing his eyes away from the water to look at Richie. It hit him in the chest how at home Richie looked, standing on this deck in bare feet with the ocean to his left and this beautiful modern house to his right. “I bet it’s even better at night.”

Richie nodded. “Sunsets are prime time for this view. But –“ He turned back toward the house, gesturing for Eddie to follow. “There is more to see.”

The tour was pretty quick; Eddie was impressed with the kitchen and not surprised at all to learn Richie had a cleaning company come in once a week. He was given a glimpse of Richie’s bedroom before Richie managed to get the door shut, and just the sight of his bed was enough to get Eddie blushing like a teenager. He was shown a small theater room, lined with thousands of DVDs and four movie theater recliner seats, which Richie claimed was all useless because “nowadays I just watch Netflix on my laptop in my office.”

“Then show me this office of yours, where you supposedly do your work.”

“Supposedly?” Richie repeated, hand over his chest. “Eds, you wound me! I work! I work so hard!”

“I’m sure an office space is exactly what you need to hone your Voices.”

“I am so offended, Eddie. As though I get by on my Voices alone? Who do you think curates the playlists that listeners all over the country go mad for? That’s all me, baby! I put so much time and effort into what song should play after what song, you wouldn’t even believe it.”

“I don’t think I do,” Eddie agreed with a small smile, though it excited him to see the passion behind Richie’s brag. “Guess you’ll have to show me.”

“Well, Mr. Big City Limo Company Driver Owner Man, welcome to my office.”

“That’s not my title at all –“ Eddie started with a grin, stopping as he fully stepped into what Richie considered his ‘office’. It was like no office Eddie had ever seen before. For starters, the same glass wall from before lined the back of the room, giving a beautiful view of the ocean that Eddie was beginning to think he would never tire of. Two other walls were lined with records, and then still more records sat in crates on the floor, like Richie had run out of room for them all.

“They’re alphabetized, if you must know,” Richie said over Eddie’s shoulder, sounding smug.

“Shit, Rich,” he mumbled, stepping closer to one wall of shelves. “I haven’t even heard of half of these. I knew you liked music but –“

“After I left Derry… Music became my thing, you know? We all liked music as kids, and when I couldn’t remember you guys, I could still remember the songs we used to listen to together. That’s where it started, I think. Feeling connected to the music. It just grew from there. Every important thing that’s ever happened to me has a soundtrack in my head, ya know?”

“I wondered how you ended up radio DJing. Last I’d heard you were stuck on ventriloquism.”

Richie laughed loudly at the memory. “Fuck, I’d forgotten.  _ Ventriloquism _ . I was real fucking bad at that, wasn’t I?”

“I wasn’t going to be the one to crush your dreams but… Yeah.” Eddie grinned.

“No, I – I started in college, hosting the school’s radio show. It was meant to just be announcing what song comes next, you know? But I couldn’t help myself, I started doing Voices - it’s when I perfected the British Guy, back at school. The show got popular and I moved up through the ranks of LA Radio pretty quickly. Can’t say how much of that was me and how much of that was Pennywise magic, but here I am and no one’s fired me yet.”

Eddie bit his lip before speaking. He wanted to say it, to openly admit to Richie how proud he was of his growth, of what he’d done with his life, but it was hard. Why was it so hard to say?

“Anyway,” Richie said, interrupting Eddie’s train of thought. “The guest room and bathroom are upstairs. You’ve got a little balcony outside the room but there are thick curtains, too, if you don’t like the glass doors. Need help getting your luggage up there?”

“Yeah,” Eddie said, his voice thick with words unsaid. “Yeah, some help would be great.”

* * *

Eddie Kaspbrak was living in domestic bliss with Richie Tozier, and it was a nightmare. Every morning he was handed coffee just the way he liked in a mug that belonged to him. He went to work and came home to his roommate at the kitchen table with his laptop, typing away and ignoring his home office, or on the phone, laughing loudly and making jokes, or on the couch, done working for the day and zoning out in front of the television. Every day they decided what they wanted for dinner, and they either ordered, or went together to pick something up, or Eddie watched Richie make their meal and pretended like he was paying such close attention because he wanted to learn to cook, not because he loved watching Richie’s big hands.

And then they ate dinner together, and they sat on the couch together, and sometimes Richie put his feet in Eddie’s lap and Eddie wasn’t even grossed out by it. They’d argue over what to watch and wrestle the remote back and forth between them, the casual touches like fire against his skin. Sometimes they’d take walks on the beach in their bare feet, arms brushing with every few steps before Richie would challenge Eddie to a race back to the house that Eddie always won. They’d rinse the sand off their feet in the little outdoor shower next to the pool and then go inside to have a video call with the rest of the Losers. Sometimes Eddie would sit on the beach alone, only for Richie to find him there and sit next to him with music playing quietly on his phone, and somehow Richie’s presence would be even more calming and comforting than the ocean waves.

And then they’d go to bed in different bedrooms.

Maybe it was his own fault, for agreeing to be roommates with Richie. But he really expected himself to be better at keeping his feelings under control. He couldn’t believe he’d been there for three months and his heart still raced when Richie looked at him too long or jokingly told him how great his ass looked in his work pants.

Because that’s who Richie was. He was a flirt, and Eddie knew it. He had lived with it as a teenager, hadn’t he? He’d made it through school days with Richie’s arms around his shoulders, he’d survived being called  _ cute cute cute _ and sleepovers with not enough room on the bed for them to sleep without touching. None of this was new, his compliments or the attention he gave Eddie or the casual touches, but Eddie was still reacting to all of it like he was twelve years old with his first crush.

Maybe it’s because he never got to experience that first-crush feeling as a kid. He’d been so repressed, pushed his feelings down so far, he hadn’t even known that how he felt for Richie wasn’t normal for how you felt about your best friend. Maybe he was making up for that lost time now.

Whatever the case, Eddie was losing his fucking mind, and he needed it to stop just as much as he needed it to never stop.

* * *

“Hey, Eds, how was work?”

Eddie took off his jacket and hung it on the coat rack and toed his shoes off next to Richie’s before answering.

“I drove a thirteen-year-old from a photoshoot to an interview to a corporate meeting. You?”

Richie laughed. “Disney or Nickelodeon?”

“Who fucking knows,” he answered, falling dramatically onto the couch. “You didn’t answer. Get anything done today?”

Richie stood from the kitchen table and joined him on the couch. “You always gotta call me out, don’t you?”

Eddie sighed. “You’d better finish that shit or Steve is going to be on your ass again.”

“Dear, honey, Eddie my love, Steve has already been on my ass for a week.”

“Richie, he’s going to drop you if you don’t –“

“Yes, dear,” Richie said, cutting him off with a dramatic huff. “I was thinking of making your favorite for dinner tonight.”

Eddie raised his eyebrows. His favorite? He was bombarded with memories of Myra announcing she’d cooked his favorite, only to walk into the kitchen and discover meatloaf sitting on the counter.

“Spaghetti with meatballs?” Richie prodded. Eddie’s heart clenched. How the fuck did he know that?

“How the fuck do you know that?”

“Uh,” Richie broke eye contact to glance at the floor. “I dunno, I listen when you talk?”

It was the simplest things that got Eddie’s stomach twisted into knots.

“Oh,” he said. “That would be great, then.”

Richie nodded and stood up, and Eddie watched him walk to the kitchen. He listened to the sound of pots and pans being moved, of water being put on the burner to boil and looked out toward the ocean. There was a couple walking on the beach past the house, holding hands. Eddie watched them laugh together until they were out of sight, his heart clenching. 

“Aren’t you gonna come supervise?” Richie called, and Eddie huffed out a surprised laugh, following the sound of his voice to the kitchen.

* * *

“That was great,” Richie said, settling into the couch cushion. Eddie sat next to him, making sure to leave a respectable amount of space between them. “You’ve got good taste, Spaghetti Man.”

“Jesus Christ,” Eddie muttered. “Eddie Spaghetti might’ve been the worst nickname you ever gave me.”

“The  _ worst _ ? Eds, I’m wounded. You’ve broken my heart.” He reached a hand over, dropping it on Eddie’s shoulder. “For that I get to pick what we watch tonight.”

“Fuck that,” Eddie said, reaching out to grab the remote off the coffee table, his hand getting there milliseconds before Richie’s. Richie’s hand was so much bigger it engulfed his, and he felt his face heat up. Richie didn’t let go of his hand even when he tried to pull the remote close to his chest. He realized his mistake too late; Richie had moved even closer to him. “Rich!”

“Eddie Spaghetti you give me the remote –“

“Don’t call me that!”

Richie’s laugh filled the room, even as he yanked the remote from Eddie’s hand.

“Aw, don’t make that little pouty face, it’s too cute to handle,” Richie said, then patted Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie thought he might combust.

“I’m not fucking – shut up.” He muttered. Richie moved closer and wrapped his arm over Eddie’s shoulders, and Eddie tensed up. “Rich –“

“Eddie my love, what would you like to watch?” Richie asked. Eddie glanced his direction; his face was so fucking close, he wanted to throw up.  _ He’s joking _ , he reminded himself, trying to get his racing heart under control.

“I don’t know,” he admitted, his mind not on the TV at all.

“You don’t even know what you want to watch and you went that hard for the remote?” Richie crowed. “Damn, Eds, that’s dedication!”

Eddie rolled his eyes and shoved Richie away.

“I take it that’s a no-go for cuddling,” Richie joked, now a full couch cushion away.

Eddie huffed and fought an embarrassed smile. “Shut up.”

He hated it. Hated that he liked the stupid flirting that meant nothing to Richie but everything to him.

Richie was quiet for a moment. Eddie turned his head only to find Richie already staring at him, his eyes soft with a look that was, to Eddie, incomprehensible.

“What?” He asked quietly, his heart in his throat.  _ Why are you looking at me like that _ , he wanted to say, but didn’t.

“Nothing,” Richie said with a shake of his head. “Wanna watch some more Schitt’s Creek?”

Richie had turned back to face the TV, already pulling up Netflix. Eddie just nodded, settling into the couch. There were so many things he wanted to say to Richie, all the time, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t put himself out there, couldn’t risk ruining this friendship.

But it was getting harder and harder with every day that passed to keep his mouth shut.

* * *

Eddie dug his toes deeper into the sand, watching as his feet slowly disappeared inch by inch. He couldn’t stop fidgeting with his phone, trying to gather up the courage to call the number he’d dialed on the screen.

He couldn’t do it anymore.

Too many lingering touches, too much time pressed together on the couch, knocking into each other in the kitchen, brushing knuckles on the beach. Too much Richie for him to handle without saying something.

He breathed in the salt air slowly, exhaled even slower. He could do this.

“Eds?”

He jumped. Too lost in thought, he hadn’t heard Richie exit the house or open the fence.

“Hey,” he said, hoping his voice sounded more relaxed than he felt.

“Everything okay?”

Clearly he wasn’t successful. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

Richie made it to the lounge chair next to him and sat down. “Your face doesn’t look like everything’s fine.”

Eddie shrugged and bent his head forward, staring at the phone in his lap.

“I was about to call a realtor.”

The only sound between them was the soft crashes of waves on the sand. Eddie swallowed thickly.

“I’m going to find an apartment,” he continued nervously. “I just – I think it’s time.”

“Did I do something?” Richie’s voice was quiet, but Eddie could hear the hurt underneath.

“No,” he said quickly, looking up. “Fuck, Rich, you’ve been great. I just think – This is just –“ He cut himself off, unsure of what to say.

_ It’s too hard to be around you all the time. _

“That’s – okay, that’s fine, that’s –“ Richie swallowed and Eddie watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down. “No, I get it, because we’re adults and... we couldn’t do this forever, right? This was – it was stupid to even –“

“It wasn’t stupid, Richie,” Eddie said, almost pleadingly. He almost regretted saying anything in the first place with how badly Richie’s face had fallen. “It was exactly what I needed, man. It’s just – It’s too much.”

He bit his lip after the words were out. Even just saying that it was  _ too much _ felt like too much. He wanted to take the words back, because now they were just hovering between them awkwardly.

“Right,” Richie said, in a voice that sounded nothing like before. He almost sounded… stoic. Eddie frowned. “I’m sorry, I know I’m –“

“Not you!” Eddie said loudly, eyes widening. “I’m not saying –  _ you’re  _ not too much, that’s not what I meant –“

“It’s alright, Eddie.” His voice was monotone. “I’m not fucking stupid, you know. I’ve always been too much.”

“You’re not, that’s not what I’m saying, Rich. If anyone is too much, it’s me! I’m saying this – this living situation is too much for me.”

Richie wouldn’t look at him. “I’m making you uncomfortable.”

“What? Of course not, what are you talking about? I just need, like, some space, you know?”

Richie nodded, staring out at the water. Eddie wanted to grab his face in both hands and force him to look at him.

“And we’re back to me being too much,” Richie said with a sad laugh.

Eddie huffed in annoyance. “Stop being a self-deprecating asshole. You didn’t do anything wrong, okay? It’s me. I’m the issue here.”

“I don’t see why you’re the issue,” he said. “I don’t have an issue with you. I don’t want you to leave.”

_ I don’t want to leave either. _

He chewed nervously on his bottom lip and made a decision.

“I don’t want to leave either.”

“Then what are you – “

“It’s too much to be around you all the time, Rich,” he said, second guessing every word as it left his mouth but desperate for Richie to understand he hadn’t been the one to mess this up. “We do everything together. I spend more time with you than without you and it’s – it’s too much for me to handle. I don’t know how else to say it.”

Richie took a moment to speak again, but when he did his voice was low. “So you know.”

“I know what?”

“C’mon man, don’t make me fucking say it,” Richie pleaded.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I  _ just  _ said you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“If it’s not – “ He cut himself off. “Then why is being around me so awful that you have to fucking move out?”

“Because it’s too hard!” Eddie cried. “I’m trying not to fuck up our friendship but I can’t keep acting like you’re just my friend if we keep – if we –“

Richie’s breath audibly hitched, but Eddie couldn’t look at him.

“I have feelings for you, okay? And I can’t get over you if we keep doing this.”

He breathed out a sigh of relief once the words were out but dropped his head in his hands, unwilling to face the consequences just yet. He didn’t want to see the look on Richie’s face.

He listened to the sound of Richie standing from his chair, and he fought against the stinging behind his eyes, closing them tightly and breathing deeply through his nose. Then a large hand touched the side of his face and he startled, dropping his own hands and looking up at Richie, who was in front of him, knees in the sand.

“I don’t want you to get over me,” he said.

“You – what?”

Richie smiled softly and Eddie’s stomach lit up with butterflies. His face was warm where Richie’s palm cupped his cheek and he leaned into the touch.

“I’m in love with you, Eds,” Richie whispered, and with the sun setting behind them and the waves lapping at the shore, Eddie leaned forward and pressed their lips together.

*

“I’m in love with you, too,” Eddie said later, as he lay next to Richie in bed. “I didn’t say it back earlier, but. Yeah. I love you.”

Richie blushed and Eddie thought it was the best thing he’d ever seen. “I kind of figured, with the whole –“ he gestured at their naked bodies and Eddie laughed.

“I just… I spent a lot of time not saying things that I wanted to say and I don’t want to do that anymore. So I love you.”

Richie rolled closer to him, their legs tangled beneath the comforter. “Well, I love you, too. Anything else you want to say? Maybe about how amazing and wonderful I am in bed?”

Eddie rolled his eyes even as he laughed, shoving at Richie’s chest half heartedly and shaking his head. “Nope, actually I wanted to say that you’re insufferable and awful.”

Richie laughed loudly, pressing in closer until their faces were only inches apart. “Mm yeah, baby, tell me more.”

Eddie opened his mouth to retort when Richie closed the distance between them, slotting their lips together and effectively shutting him up.

And, well. There were worse reasons to keep quiet.

  
  



End file.
